We Should Scream More
Lately in session, I’ve been hearing this one thought on repeat: “Raelynn—the deep breaths don’t work for me.”
I often chuckle. “Well, of course not. They’re not supposed to.” Deep breaths aren’t meant to replace the process of actually feeling your emotions.
Pop-psychology has sold us the idea that a few simple belly breaths will erase the panic and slow your racing heart. If that’s worked for you, please, feel free to burst my bubble—I would LOVE if emotional regulation were that simple.
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It’s true. Breathing techniques are not the remedy to every discomfort and moment of overwhelm, but rather one of many coping strategies. Coping strategies are used to help us get through stressful situations by helping us ground, soothe, and keep going.
The portion of regulation that the clients I see - the perfectionists, people-pleasers, and thinkers - often miss is expression.
Patterns like changing the subject, deflecting with humor, intellectualizing, or numbing keep us from truly feeling. And if we don’t really feel, it’s difficult to express.
The role of emotion in our lives is to provide us feedback about the relationship between us and our environment (or another person). Without expression, these store up over time.
What research tells us is that emotions are meant to be expressed. Here’s a brief review of what some research says about emotional suppression (holding it in) versus emotional expression (letting it out):
Bottling our emotions up weighs us down with fatigue, chips away at our confidence, and strains our connections with others.
When we allow our emotions to be seen and shared, we open the door to deeper relationships, greater self-trust, a sense of belonging, and a more fulfilling life.
When we look at the body and the brain, we see that holding in your emotional responses actually triggers a threat response in the body which can have negative impacts on your emotional, cognitive, and relational well-being.
With this in mind, my clients and I explore in session the idea that regulation = expression + coping. Coping is a bandaid that keeps you moving in the moment, while expression clears out the debris of the wound, allowing for deeper healing. The combination helps us move THROUGH the feeling and determine what’s our next step. Tell someone? Remove the stressor? Continue on?
If we are always just coping, there is no end to our experience of the emotion which increases our suffering and makes it more difficult for coping strategies to work. It comes back and might even come back stronger, because the wound has always been there.
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So, what does this mean? How do we move from coping to true regulation?” Here are some ways to safely and intentionally express emotions:
journaling
crying
directly communicating your feelings
playing music
creating art
moving your body - running, yoga, dancing, shaking, etc.
talking to someone
screaming in the car or into a pillow
pushing as hard as you can against a wall
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Try one or more of these approaches and notice how it shifts what’s happening inside. When the deep breaths can’t carry you through anymore, it might be time to give yourself permission to truly make space for the emotion. Whatever the feeling—grief, anger, frustration, or joy—it can have room to be, and you can meet it fully. So when I say we should scream more, I really do mean it. You’ve got to let it out and you can find healthy ways to do it.
